(Satire) The Pongo Abelii Has What It Takes to Find Employment in an Industrialized Society
by Sunjay Muralitharan, March 8, 2022
Yes, this was my APES final; no, I did not get a good grade on it. Enjoy.
Up in the trees of the tropical rainforests of Borneo and Sumatra resides the Pongo abelii. This ape is notable for its distinctively red and orange hair and large size: it can grow to be up to 200lbs. Since it resides in the canopies of tropical rainforests, 60% of the Pongo abelii’s diet consists of fruits: mainly figs and durians; the rest consists of leaves, bark, insects, and eggs. Their large arms, which are nearly 1.5 times longer than their legs, allow for easy access to their treetop diet as well as easy mobility throughout their habitat. Their predators, the Panthera tigris sumatrae and Panthera uncia inhabit the forest floors, allowing the rainforest canopies to be a safe haven for the Pongo abelii. Overall, the Pongo abelii possess an array of adaptations to exploit its specific niche, hence making it a specialist species. Due to its role as a specialist species, the Pongo abelii can find blue-collared employment in an industrialized society.
Because of its specializations to swing among the trees, the Pongo abelii possess immense upper body strength; this would allow it to find employment in a warehouse. More specifically, the Pongo abelii is around 7 times stronger than a human, and known to lift up to 500lbs without breaking a sweat. As a warehouse employee, you are expected to be able to both handle unassisted lifting of up to 75 lbs and utilize forklifts and other heavy machinery to move around items. Lifting 75lbs would be nothing short of a walk in the park for the Pongo abelii. While this organism has shown to be able to possess some driving skill on a simple ATV vehicle, it does not possess the necessary attention to detail that is required to operate a forklift. However, they make up for their lack of automotive control with their brute strength; instead of having to utilize a forklift to move around heavy objects like a human, they can just carry them on their own. In other words, the Pongo abelii’s muscular tree swinging arms would permit them to work as an effective warehouse employee.
A vibing Pongo abelii shows off his exquisite driving skills on a ATV vehicle
Source: Yahoo News
Along with their immense strength, the Pongo abelii possess specialized opposable thumbs and high levels of intelligence; these two traits enable them to make use of tools which is vital as a handyman. In the wild, these organisms are seen to use large leaves as ponchos, manufacture back scratchers out of sticks, and use branches to forage for insects. They are even able to utilize a saw to cut a log in half with no prior experience! In these seemingly simple acts, the Pongo abelii displays resourcefulness and affinity for problem-solving: two vital traits a handyman must possess. For example, when the Pongo abelii realizes it can’t reach its insect meal, it utilizes a stick to do so. In a somewhat similar fashion, when a handyman realizes that a door is loosely attached to its frame, they utilize tools (a drill and a screw specifically) to tighten this attachment. With their problem-solving skills and resourcefulness regarding tool usage, the Pongo abelii would make a phenomenal handyman.
An intelligent Pongo abelii figures out how to use a saw with no prior experience or formal education
Source: The Scottish Sun
The Pongo abelii has also shown to have advanced communicative abilities: a vital prerequisite for almost all blue collar jobs. Azy embodies this. This intelligent Pongo abelii, is able to express and follow simple commands. In any work environment, giving and receiving commands is vital. In a restaurant, for example, the chefs need to communicate to waiters when food is ready to be served, and the waiters must notify the chefs on what customers have ordered. The Pongo abelii while being unable to directly communicate with spoken human language, it is able to mimic and obey the actions of humans as well as express commands with symbols as seen with Azy.
All in all, the vast array of specialized traits the Pongo abelii possesses would allow it to find employment in an industrial civilization. Their arms, opposable thumbs, intelligence, ability to use tools and communicative abilities, all of which would be great skills to find blue collared employment, should be clear indicators that the Pongo abelii are more like us than we give them credit for. Knowing this, we must do everything to preserve this highly intelligent species which is a critically endangered species. That would mean that the Indonesian and Malaysian governments must clamp down on illegal deforestation and expansion of their wasteful palm oil and rubber plantation industries (two major causes of the decline in Pongo abelii populations) before it is too late.
http://sports.yahoo.com/video/orangutan-handles-atv-pro-114002407.html (this source is literally an Orangutan driving an ATV, it is awesome)